My dearest, darling Bella
by Musings of a Shaken Mind
Summary: I love you, my Bella, although you think otherwise. I always will, until I am killed, or you are. Perhaps we will be reunited in death. I will watch you, in heaven, from the darkest pits of Hell, and I shall be satisfied. Yours, forever. Edward.
1. Chapter 1

**My Dearest, Darling B e l l a.  
A **_**Twilight **_**FanFiction  
by Becky Scarlett-Cullen**

**Chapter 1**

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**_My dearest, darling Bella,_

_Firstly, my love, I must apologise. A thousand times, a million times over. If I was not damned before, then I certainly am now, for causing distress to an angel such as you._

_Please, know that my intentions were only ever to keep you safe. I am a good liar; I have to be. I cannot begin to imagine what I was thinking, at the time. It was insanity, utter falsehood. I could never live without you, my love, and now… well, now it is too late. I fear I have lost you forever._

_Not that I do not deserve it. I never was worthy of you, I know that. You are perfect, perfect in every way imaginable. Do you remember that day, in the restaurant? No—before that, even. When I held you in my arms for the first time, after Crowley almost crushed you, knowing that you fit there. That you—an angel-- was destined for me. It was a far greater privilege than I could ever have dreamed._

_It was so cruel of me, to lie to you in that way. But, after the thousands of times I told you that I loved you, I did not imagine how easy it would be to convince you otherwise. I had thought that I would have to lie to you for hours. That dead look n your beautiful eyes will haunt me forever. It caused my dead heart to shatter, and I will never forgive myself._

_I love you, my darling. I would do anything to go back, and change things. If I could, I would. No matter the cost. _

_I watch you, while you sleep, though I dare not enter the room, as I once did. I hear your screams, and they cause my immortal body excruciating pain. I wish that I could reach you, hold you tightly to me, as if I had never left._

_But I know that you are trying to move on. I understand. It is exactly what I intended you to do, though Jacob Black would not have been my first choice._

_But your safety, your well-being, is far higher up the list of priorities than my own, selfish happiness. I will not endanger your life again, Bella. If you were killed then there would be no point in living myself. You have made far too great an impact on my existence to merely move on, as you believe I have._

_Distractions were not enough. They never were, and they never will be._

_I love you, my Bella, although you think otherwise. I always will, until I am killed, or you are. Perhaps we will be reunited in death. I will watch you, in heaven, from the darkest pits of Hell, and I shall be satisfied._

_Yours, forever._

_Edward._

I read over the letter, written in a mere human second. If I had been human, then I would have broken before this. But, no… I already was broken. I had been broken since I left her, in that forest. The words, scrawled across the paper, did not encompass my feelings. How could so much self-loathing and regret be expressed in mere words? No.

The paper crumpled in my fists, and fell to the ground. It would never reach the one to whom it was written, just like hundreds of others. I closed my eyes, wishing that there was a distraction that could possibly, well… distract my inhuman mind. But no such thing existed. There was nothing in the world—human, or otherwise—that could possibly take my mind from her… her smile, her eyes, the way her lips felt against my cold ones, her intoxicating scent… It was too much, an impossible torture to withstand.

But withstand it I would. It was the least—the very least that I deserved.

I was truly a monster.

Alice Cullen found the letter, in a room at Tanya's house in Denali. Though it was generally a principle of hers not to read other people's correspondence, she found herself drawn to the insignificant, crumpled piece of paper. Edward had been staying there, and she recognised his handwriting.

Intrigued, she smoothed out the paper, and read the words.

With a gasp that hitched in her dead throat, Alice felt a sob build in her throat. She was glad that Edward was no longer there—her thoughts would have been an instant giveaway.

She had peeked, of course. She had seen Bella, in her half-dead, zombie-like monotony, that had been in place ever since Edward had left her, and she knew that he was killing her. Sooner or later, she would crack.

Edward had lied to his own family. This revelation brought on a gasp from Alice. He had somehow convinced them all that he had grown tired of Bella, and they had believed him, although they had been shocked. They had all seen the intensity of his love for her, whenever they were together—especially Jasper, who, in turn, had told Alice. They were not blind, or deaf. He had never stopped loving her, had only abandoned her for her own safety. So many things that had seemed irrational and stupid beforehand now made so much sense. It was just so… _Edward. _

Alice could let this go no further. Somehow, she would make Bella see that Edward still loved her. She would take this note to her almost-sister, sit her down and make her read it. Yes. Now that Alice had decided, her future was clear.

Edward and Bella would be back together, where they belonged. And maybe then, he would see sense and give her the change that she desired so.


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N: In the words of my charmingly crude mother, 'Woot!'**

**Ah, yes. She takes 'gamer' to a whole new level. You have no idea. It is disturbing. In any case, the reason for my random exclamation of joy; Reviews!**

**Yes, dear readers, you have made me revert to internet slang. Not an easy thing to do. I appreciate it! Don't you love reviews? I love reviews?**

**If you leave more, I may even start having other such lapses in concentration. Bring on the lapses! I love them!**

**Thank you to those who reviewed, those who put an alert on the story, and added **it to their favourites. It means a lot, I promise you!

**On with the story, and some good old BPOV… )**

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****My Dearest, Darling B e l l a.  
A **_**Twilight **_**FanFiction  
by Becky Scarlett-Cullen**

**Chapter 2**

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BPOV.**

_Edward._

_My dear Edward._

_My dearest, darling Edward._

_Dear Edward,_

_I __need__love__miss__can't live without_ Keep it light._Would like to talk to you._

_I can understand that you might not want to. _I don't blame you. I wouldn't**. **_I know what you said, and I'm sorry to be bothering you. _No… no, I'm really not**… **_But I wanted to talk to you about the promise you made me. _What a load of rubbish. I had known he'd never have been able to keep that one._You can take my pictures, my tickets and my CDs… but you can never remove my memories. _Thank goodness. _You can't ever take them. They're mine. _Ours. _Much as you want, I'll never forget—even if my mind is, like you said, a sieve. I don't think so. Even if I live for another eighty years, I will never __stop loving you __forget. _

_I love you.__ I am sorry._

_Yours. Forever and always._

_Bella Swan._

I read over the note several times, taking in the paper's crumpled appearance, ink stains and numerous scribbles whenever my words became too intense. Several drops were splattered across the paper; my tears. Writing this had been harder than I'd ever thought…

Not that it would ever reach him.

Wrapping my arms around my torso, I made my way to the window—always open, never locked or closed—and left the letter to my only love on the windowsill.

I could not bear to look at it, after that. I just went through the motions. I had my shower, pulled on old sweats and brushed my teeth in a choking fog. So wrapped up was I in my routines that I failed to notice the fact that the window closed, the note gone. I even failed to notice the tiny, pixie-like figure standing there, a piece of paper in her hand, until she spoke.

"Hello, Bella…"


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm doing a sort of weird post-a-thon, to make up for the forthcoming lack of stories. Yes, mein darlings, the dreaded exams are nearly upon us. (Well... actually, they're upon me. Not you. Never mind.)**

**Point is, my first exam is tomorrow, with the others following in quick succession. Don't expect much writing to be done, yeah?**

**Crazy Bella is incredibly fun to write... :)**

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**My Dearest, Darling B e l l a.  
A _Twilight _FanFiction****  
by Becky Scarlett-Cullen**

**Chapter 3  
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****PREVIOUSLY:**

"_Hello, Bella…"_

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_Wordlessly, I stared. It couldn't be… that was impossible. I would not, could not allow myself to hope.

Just my imagination again.

I decided to humour it, for once.

"Hey, Alice."

She blinked her huge, golden eyes. Apparently, this was not the reaction that my imagination had been hoping for. I noticed then that she held my letter in her hand. Oh well. I didn't mind. She could keep it. I didn't want it.

It would only hurt me, later.

I tried a smile. It made my cheeks hurt. I think I had forgotten how to. Maybe nonchalance was a good idea. I didn't want to scare this hallucination away, of course. That would be awful.

"What brings you here?"

Pretend-Alice just stared. Briefly, I wondered if this was a completely sane response.

_Of course not, _my mind reasoned, _You haven't been sane since he left._

Oh.

Fair enough.

I tried again. "It's nice to see you."

In one of those blindingly fast, disconcerting movements, she had her stone arms around me, and she was sobbing dryly onto my shoulder.

I was beginning to be rather impressed by my imagination. It was doing a marvellous job of replicating Alice's freezing, smooth skin.

"What's wrong?"

Pretty lame question, really. But I had to say something. Hesitantly, I wrapped my own rather soft, warm arms around her tiny body.

"Alice?"

"B-Bella! I r-read your n-note and—_oh! _It was s-so s-s-sad. B-Bella, I'm s-sorry. We should n-never have l-left you… I didn't w-want to, b-but Ed—"

I cut her off abruptly. _His _name was not something I wanted to hear. "Why are you sorry? It wasn't your fault."

"I s-should have s-said s-something. I should have s-seen what this w-would d-do to y-you! It wasn't f-fair, Bella… I m-missed you so much, but h-he said t-that we weren't to i-i-interfere…"

Wait, she missed me?

"Wait, you missed me?"

She looked up at me with those wide, golden eyes, looking confused. "Of c-course, Bella! I—"

I cut her off again. "You left, Alice. You and Carlisle and Esme and, and… _everyone._I knew it would happen of course, I expected it. But it hurt. More than I thought it would. It still does. In fact this…" I gestured at her, "Will hurt me a lot more. Later, when my mind has stopped playing tricks on me, and my hallucinations stop."

Alice stared. "You think I'm… a hallucination?"

I smiled, pleased by my mind's ability to accept this. Quick, as well as very, very imaginative. Impressive. "Yep."

She looked hurt, but I couldn't imagine why. "Bella, do you truly believe that?"

I considered this, for a moment. "Pretty much, yeah."

Alice was stricken. "What has he done? What has he done to you?"

I tried a smile. I didn't want her to be sad. "Nothing. He doesn't love me, I understand. I knew he was too good to be true, anyways."

Wordlessly, Alice pulled a piece of paper from the pocket of her—probably very expensive—jacket. She held it out to me, and I could not help myself. I took it.

Opening the crumpled paper, a smoothed it out, and began to read…

_My dearest, darling Bella. _Lucky girl, whoever she was. Couldn't be me.

_Firstly, my love, I must apologise. A thousand times, a million times over. If I was not damned before, then I certainly am now, for causing distress to an angel such as you. _That's alright, I don't mind. It was worth it to be with you.

_Please, know that my intentions were only ever to keep you safe. I am a good liar; I have to be. _You always were, even right at the beginning. I'm glad that's working out for you._ I cannot begin to imagine what I was thinking, at the time. It was insanity, utter falsehood. I could never live without you, my love, _My **love?!**_ and now… well, now it is too late. I fear I have lost you forever. _Forever is an awfully long time…

_Not that I do not deserve it. I never was worthy of you, I know that. _You don't see yourself very clearly… you never did. _You are perfect, perfect in every way imaginable._ Compared to you—perfection, personified? How could I be anything but ugly?_ Do you remember that day, in the restaurant? No—before that, even. When I held you in my arms for the first time, after Crowley almost crushed you, knowing that you fit there. That you—an angel-- was destined for me. It was a far greater privilege than I could ever have dreamed. _The privilege was mine, though…

_It was so cruel of me, to lie to you in that way. _Not cruel. Kind, I think. I realise now that I could never have you, because you were so much more that I. I had to realise that, sooner or later—a clean break was what I needed. _But, after the thousands of times I told you that I loved you, I did not imagine how easy it would be to convince you otherwise. I had thought that I would have to lie to you for hours. That dead look n your beautiful eyes will haunt me forever. It caused my dead heart to shatter, and I will never forgive myself. _I've already forgiven you, in my own way.

_I love you, my darling. I would do anything to go back, and change things. If I could, I would. No matter the cost. _I love you too. But you don't have to lie to me…

_I watch you, while you sleep, though I dare not enter the room, as I once did. I hear your screams, and they cause my immortal body excruciating pain. I wish that I could reach you, hold you tightly to me, as if I had never left. _Go on, then. Please.

_But I know that you are trying to move on. I understand. It is exactly what I intended you to do, though Jacob Black would not have been my first choice. _Jake? No, no… it's not like that. Not for me. For him, maybe… but it's not the same.

_But your safety, your well-being, is far higher up the list of priorities than my own, selfish happiness. I will not endanger your life again, Bella. If you were killed then there would be no point in living myself. _That's ridiculous. Who do you think you are, Romeo? It's not like that any more—you left me, remember? You don't love me. You don't want me. It's okay, I understand. _You have made far too great an impact on my existence to merely move on, as you believe I have. _As I will believe until you tell me otherwise.

_Distractions were not enough. They never were, and they never will be. _Maybe you just didn't try hard enough…

_I love you, my Bella, although you think otherwise. I always will, until I am killed, or you are. Perhaps we will be reunited in death. I will watch you, in heaven, from the darkest pits of Hell, and I shall be satisfied. _As if Hell would allow an angel to enter—never!

_Yours, forever. For eternity--literally. _As I am yours.

_Edward._

I looked up after I had finished reading, with a bemused smile on my face. "It's actually nice to know that I am such an optimist, you know?"

Alice raised a perfectly-sculpted eyebrow.

"I don't think that was entirely the point that he was trying to get across, Bella."

I turned away from her, eyes tracing the words again. I didn't want her to see me cry.

"You mean, my mind was? It's okay, honestly. I know he doesn't want me. That's what he told me. I'll probably never accept that, but I can't do anything else, can I? I love him. I love him… I love him."

And then, an intake of unnecessary breath. Alice. I turned around to check she was alright, but my eyes were distracted when they swept past the empty space in front of my window.

At least, it had been empty. Before.

Now, it was occupied—and a better waste of space, I had never come across.

He looked tired—an impossibility, of course. His bronze hair was windswept and dishevelled, just the way I liked it. His eyes were dark, the bruise-like shadows underneath them obvious.

_Edward. _


	4. Chapter 4

**He-e-y peeps. Sorry it's been a while, I had massive block. I'm having the same problem with 'I'm not okay, I promise', so if anyone has any tips, they'd be most appreciated.**

**Merry Christmas!**

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**My Dearest, Darling B e l l a.  
A **_**Twilight **_**FanFiction  
by Becky Scarlett-Cullen**

**Chapter 4**

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****PREVIOUSLY:**

_He looked tired—an impossibility, of course. His bronze hair was windswept and dishevelled, just the way I liked it. His eyes were dark, the bruise-like shadows underneath them obvious._

Edward.

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**EPOV**

How could she?! Alice… she was going to ruin everything… everything I'd striven for. Because of that stupid letter.

Alright, so maybe I should have told my family the reason for actually leaving Bella… but it hadn't seemed important at the time… not really, not compared to everything else. I hadn't been around much, so I'd had no idea about the scale of resentment my family felt towards me. If I'd known, would it have stopped me?

Probably not.

I'd been travelling back to see the family when I'd heard her thoughts. Travelling at high speed, in the direction of Washington.

I hadn't thought anything of it, though… Alice often had crying jags when thinking about Bella. I generally stayed as far away from her as possible at those times—it was hard enough encountering Bella in my own memories, without hearing Alice's thoughts, too. So I'd continued on, to the house. I'd been looking for the letter. I wanted it with me… but when I'd escaped my family, and finally was alone enough to check in my hiding place, under the floorboards, the piece of paper was no longer there.

And then, it all clicked into place.

And I'd started running. Very, very quickly, in the direction I'd heard Alice earlier. I was faster than her… but she'd have been there long ago. She could already have given Bella the letter she was never meant to see, automatically placing the love of my life straight back into harm's way.

_Damn you, Alice…_

I swore as I ran. I was fast… but there was no way I was fast enough. In fact, as I reached the outskirts of Forks, WA, and heard Alice's thoughts, they were already focussed on Bella. And these were not memories… no, this was happening. Right now.

"_You left, Alice. You and Carlisle and Esme and, and…_ everyone_. __I knew it would happen of course, I expected it. But it hurt. More than I thought it would. It still does. In fact this… will hurt me a lot more. Later, when my mind has stopped playing tricks on me, and my hallucinations stop."_

"_You think I'm… a hallucination?"_

"_Yep."_

"_Bella, do you truly believe that?"_

"_Pretty much, yeah."_

I was transfixed for the shortest of moments, watching this scene. Bella was… well, she looked awful… she clearly hadn't slept, and her hair hung limply around her lovely face. But it was too gaunt, her eyes huge against her too-pale skin. This was my fault…

Alice's thoughts speculated, as she watched Bella reading the letter. Wondering about her reaction. I wondered if she knew I was here, yet. That she her close proximity to Bella was making me positively green with envy.

And then she looked up, a bemused smile on her face.

"_It's actually nice to know that I am such an optimist, you know?"_

I was aghast.

"_I don't think that was entirely the point that he was trying to get across, Bella."_

Of course it wasn't! What had I done to my Bella… my lovely, trusting, wonderful Bella? I was running again, and in seconds I was outside of Chief Swan's house. I could see Bella's window from here. It was open.

Climbing up the side of the house with the agility of a monkey, I was in the window in a moment, just in time to hear Bella speak again.

"You mean, my mind was? It's okay, honestly. I know he doesn't want me. That's what he told me. I'll probably never accept that, but I can't do anything else, can I? I love him. I love him… I love him."

I gasped. In my wildest dreams, I hadn't imagined that she would still, after all this time, love me.

As she turned, I was distracted by her face. It had looked pretty bad in Alice's thoughts, but she'd been optimistic. Bella was… Bella looked… She looked broken.

The bemused expression returned to Bella's face.

"Oh, are the others here too, Alice? That's nice. I've been wanting to see Esme again. And Carlisle… and Emmett. I didn't really miss Rose that much, though. It'll be nice to see Jasper again, too. I owe him an apology."

"No!"

The single word left mine and Alice's mouths at the same time, and we turned towards each other, before looking back to Bella simultaneously.

"No, Bella, what have you got to apologise to Jasper for?" Alice asked the question I'd been wanting to.

She laughed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "For bleeding everywhere, of course! It wasn't his fault, it was mine."

That was my Bella… always taking the blame… I might have chuckled, if I hadn't already been striding across the distance between us, and wrapping my arms tightly around her, again.


End file.
